Internal Struggles; a good way to find what you need to do.

I have this thing that I constantly struggle with. To say that it is an addiction is probably a good way to explain it. I don’t like to talk about it, and I don’t even like to say the word of what it is. For about a year, the Big Guy and I were the only ones who knew about it. I vowed never to tell anyone, that it was too embarrassing, and that nobody would ever understand what I was going through; that it was actually a struggle and not just something that I liked to do. But it had been bothering me a lot.

Now my boyfriend Nathanael and I pretty much don’t keep anything from each other, I can’t think of anything right now about me that he doesn’t know. (Well I mean he doesn’t know everything about me, but you get the point) And so you can only imagine what it was like to keep something big from him for so long. It was hard, and agonizing, and scary. Because I wanted to tell him, it was something that he deserved to know about. But I kept it to myself for a long time. And now I don’t really know why, because I have thrown a lot of things at him, a lot of scary and hard things to deal with. And he is still here! He still tells me every day that he loves me, and that he isn’t going to leave. That nothing is going to be too scary for him. So why didn’t I just believe him? I mean, of course I believed him, and I trusted him, but why didn’t I just fully do it? I call myself a daring person, but I wasn’t daring enough to go out on a limb and possibly get hurt. And that is so hypercritical. Because I always say that I would do that in a heartbeat with him, but I never fully was doing it. And I will never understand why. But I finally told him about this struggle on Monday night, and I feel so much better. He is still here. And he has been helping me with no questions asked. And I guess this is something I knew that would happen all along, but for some reason I guess I didn’t trust myself that I could take that amount of love from someone. Before I met him I was such a commitmentphobe. I didn’t like it, because I like change, with change comes new experiences. What I wasn’t realizing was that you can still have new experiences with the same person; it doesn’t have to be someone different every time. So I never knew how to gain and get so much love from one person, because I never gave them enough time before I let them go to get to this point. And now I realize what I had been missing out on! It’s amazing! And honestly, I still cannot believe that I have found this at seventeen (well I was sixteen when I found him, but I’ve had a birthday)!!

I think that is what I am trying to say here. That people shouldn’t be afraid to go out on a limb and get hurt, if they do, then they do, and that’s supposed to happen, but you will learn from it. But you actually have to DO IT. Don’t just say that you would, and then do it slowly, crawling out on to the limb on your stomach inch by inch. You have to do it for real; just stand up and walk out. And it’s okay to be scared. It’s okay to be scared out of your freaking mind, that’s what I needed to realize. It’s okay to be scared and to surrender. It is okay. Surrendering is not always a bad thing, if you don’t learn how to do it, what amazing experiences will you ever have? NONE. And sometimes you just need to let things out, and surrender them to God, and yeah, that’s really scary. And yeah, you could get really hurt by this, but He loves you, and that’s something that everyone needs to know. He loves you more than you will ever be able to understand, and for some THAT is what they need to go out on a limb for, they just have to gain trust. And trust is a scary thing.

Now I realize I touched on a lot of hard topics here in one post, and they might not all even make sense to everyone, but I hope that at least one of them will at least make someone think, think about that thing that they are holding back that is keeping them from something that they deserve.