Starting over.

formspring.me

2011-05-01T20:39:00.001-04:00

I'm usually pretty honest. http://formspring.me/shapleighgrace

Distractions; some you need to give into

2010-07-29T18:43:00.002-04:00

My last post was on May 11th, which is almost about three months ago. It seems so weird because it's not like me at all to go three months with out writing. There has just been so many things going on in my world I guess, that have distracted me from sitting down and just thinking about things, which is what I haven't really realized until this week, when my boyfriend, my best friend, didn't even really know what was going on in each other lives.
Summer can do that to you apparently, though, since I spent the entire summer at camp last year, it seems that I have forgotten what a real summer is. It's kind of boring, but since this is my last real summer of being in high school, it's somewhat of a rush with all the feelings it creates.
There's stress of visiting, picking, applying to colleges, and since I am a photography major, I've been working rigorously on my portfolio to send to colleges.
Excitement, I'm in my first real exhibit tomorrow night in Boston, at the Art Institute of Boston, along with many other talented kids who did their AIR program this summer.
Mixed feelings. There are many adjustments that have had to be made; my boyfriend moving 3 and a half hours away, instead of being a mere hour away. My father, being away all week every week since he took a new job, leaving my mom basically a single parent. Making many life decisions over the past school year, which have left me with nowhere nearly as many friend, which has been extremely hard. I pretty much stay home every day with my mom and sister, and don't really get out much at all, which is a HUGE change from last summer.
Sadness, because I miss all my friends at camp, and also knowing that this is my last full year at home, but not really because this time next year I will be already be packing for college.
Nervousness since I will be leaving home oh so soon.
Happiness, because I will be leaving home so soon.
There have been so many things distracting me this summer, but it doesn't make it acceptable. I'm not just talking about my lack of blogging, more my lack of looking at my life. I honestly have been ignoring all the things beneath all the emotions, including myself. I have just been trying to deal with all these NEW things, that I have been ignoring things that I should have been dealing with before, struggles I have had, and still need to pay attention to.
So, this is more or less, my letter to myself to snap out of it, and come back to reality. You are not the only one going through these things, and many others have gone through it before you.
But you do have the ones that will always be there for you, so look to them, and try not to get distracted anymore.

Love; it's unstoppable

2010-05-11T08:15:00.002-04:00

My mom and sister are very into country music, I mean, obsessed. I on the other hand, I like it, but I am not like them with this obsession.

One of the reasons I do like country music though is because of the lyrics. Most country stars actually write their own music, unlike most pop stars, it comes from the heart, something that we can all relate to, not any of this “I kissed a girl” crap. They’re stories, that make you play out the song in your head, relate to it. Think of Taylor Swift; I know for a fact there is a group on facebook called “There’s a Taylor Swift song for that…” a lot of teenage girls say that they can relate to her music, that’s because SHE writes her songs about things that happen to all of us, heartbreak, happiness, childbirth, marriage, love, everything.

Now, this isn’t a blog to defend country music and ask people to support it, no, as I said in the beginning, I’m not a obsessed country fan, I’m more of an alternative/indie type girl. No, this blog is about love.

That probably surprised you, not really the direction I started with. Here’s the “answer”. There’s a song by the band Rascal Flatts called Unstoppable, it’s about someone who has “walked the road a little sideways”, but they find love, and realize how it can fix anything, and I truly believe that. Though, there is only one kind of love, God’s love. Sure, you can get love from another person, but it is God’s love shining through them to you.

This past year I have had that happened to me. This time last year I was on the path to nowhere; I had bad grades, bad friends, and had made a lot of bad decisions. I’m a teenager, so I’m sure that you can figure out what those decisions were. Though, in the eighth grade, I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior, so He was still living in me, even if I wasn’t living for him. But nevertheless, I spent my entire sophomore year trying to push Him away, and I did a really good job of it. I blocked Him out to the point where I couldn’t hear Him anymore, and the decisions I made didn’t even bother me anymore. But last summer, when I was away from that all in the middle of nowhere New Hampshire, somehow God shone through to me, and that was the breaking point, and everything changed. I got rid of all those things in my life and started over. Completely over, and the friends that I had made were there to help me along the way, and they still are. Their love (God’s love) shone through to me, and it conquered all, it was unstoppable.

So here’s my closing; one, don’t be afraid to love someone, because chances are, they need some, and two, don’t be afraid to love someone back, because love is unstoppable.

Unstoppable, by Rascal Flatts

So, you made a lot of mistakes
Walked down the road a little sideways
Cracked a brick when you hit the wall
Yeah, you've had a pocket full of regrets
Pull you down faster than a sunset
Hey, it happens to us all

When the cold hard rain just won't quit
And you can't see your way out of it

You find your faith has been lost and shaken
You take back what's been taken
Get on your knees and dig down deep
You can do what you think is impossible
Keep on believing, don't give in
It'll come and make you whole again
It always will, it always does
Love is unstoppable

Love, it can weather any storm,
Bring you back to being born, again
oh, it's a helping hand when you need it most
A lighthouse shining on the coast
That never goes dim

When your heart is full of doubt
And you think that there's no way out

You find your faith has been lost and shaken
You take back what's been taken
Get on your knees and dig down deep
You can do what you think is impossible
Keep on believing, don't give in
It'll come and make you whole again
It always will, it always does
Love is unstoppable

Like a river keeps on rolling
Like the north wind blowing
Don't it feel good knowing

You find your faith has been lost and shaken
You take back what's been taken
Get on your knees and dig down deep
You can do what you think is impossible
Keep on believing, don't give in
It'll come and make you whole again
It always will, it always does
Love is unstoppable

Love is unstoppable
So you made a lot of mistakes
Walked down the road a little sideways
Love, love is unstoppable

Sort of a "life update"

2010-04-26T08:26:00.003-04:00

I have so much I want to write, but so little time, because I have to do my run soon.

I just started running last week because I finally got my PROM dress, and it's so beautiful, but if I don't keep in shape for the next two and a half weeks, I might not be able to fit into it. And because it is so "slimming" in a sense, I can't really have a bulge, or you will see it. This is my first (and probably only, since I'm homeschooled) prom that I will get to go to, but I am okay with that. My boyfriend is a senior, and it is going to be a really special night for the both of us. Sort of the last night that things will be the way they are right now, because that is never going to come back.

We were talking about that last night, how after he graduates, things are going to be so much different. He will be going off to camp, I wont be, which is the first hard obstacle. He's going to be there, and I will be here, and not even just for the summer, but he is going to be living there for the rest of the year/however long God wants to keep him there, and it's not that he is just my boyfriend, he is my best friend, so imagine having your best friend living three and a half hours away, with possibly no car, and not a lot of vacation. Of course it's not like I see alot of him right now, because I don't, but, while he is there, I probably will be seeing even less of him, as well as talk.

But that's not the only thing "freaking" me out. He is going to be in college, and I am still going to be in high school. MY senior year. Which, of course, I have been looking foward to for twelve years, but also, at the same time, I am very scared. I have to start applying to schools, then pick one, and get all of that stuff done. But before I even get to do that, I have to get my portfolio ready.

Because I want to be a photographer, all the art schools that I am applying to require you to submit a portfolio, and some of the more prestigious schools I would like to apply to, require some things in those portfolios that I don't know how to do. So over the summer I will have to work on/learn how to do those things, which is nerve-wracking because my future depends on weather I can get these things or not!

But through all of this somehow I am still hearing really great things from God, in really weird places and times though, which sometimes amuses me, but I think that is His point, that I shouldn't be stressed out, I should just be trusting Him and going with what He wants for me, so I guess we will have to see what that is!

Love never gives up, never loses faith

2010-04-16T16:48:00.001-04:00

I haven’t posted in a little over a week now, even though I said that I was going to work on doing it more often, I also said that I was going to spend more time with the Lord, but am still working on that too. Yesterday I had something happen that helped me realize why He is so amazing, and why I need and want to spend more time with him.

My boyfriend came to visit on Wednesday, the first time that I had seen him since New Year’s Day. We had an amazing day; filled with a picnic, friends, and sunburns from laying out in the sun all day. I had been planning that day for about a month, and then all of a sudden it was over just like it had started. Thursday morning I was a wreck, he had been here for such a short time, and I didn’t know what to do now that it was over. So I did the thing that most seventeen year old girls did, I went to my room and cried. But after thinking for a while, I realized that crying never actually solves everything, but He does. So, I got off my bed, went and got my Bible, and talked to my “Dad” for a while. I just asked Him what to do, and how I was going to get through this. Because I knew there was a reason that he lived so far away, but I needed a little encouragement. This is what He showed me;

1 Corinthians 13:7
“Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.”

I knew right away that everything was going to be okay. I got that feeling that He was with me, and in control.
I’m hoping that yesterday will start to sink into my head and I will be back to spending more time with my Heavenly Father, please pray for me, I think I’m going to need it.

This is such a short post for me, I’m not sure, but I have this feeling that the next one will be longer.

Do Over; Don'tcha want one?

2010-04-04T14:16:00.000-04:00

Today is Easter, probably the most important day of the year for most believers.
There are so many things that it means to the world. The fact that Jesus came to save us; born of a virgin, and lived a sinless life, but then gave His life for everyone (yes, everyone), and then rose again to show that we would (and can if we take it) have eternal life.

That’s pretty cool to me honestly, and I can’t understand how anyone could not want to take that. It took me a while (about 14 years) to fully understand that this is what everyone needed before I would take it, and I still don’t even know why I didn’t want that. I will never understand. A lot of this “stuff” is what we talked about today in church, though there was something else, two words, my pastor kept saying over and over that really struck me.

Do Over.

That’s really what he gave us. He gave us a chance to have a “do over”. Whenever we need one; because, let’s face it; we need a lot of “do over’s” in life. That’s what I realized that I needed this morning, a do over.

I woke up this morning with a fire inside that I haven’t felt in a while, I didn’t know exactly why, and still don’t, but it felt really good. I got up at about seven (pretty early for a Sunday I guess), made my coffee, and went outside to do my devotions. When I went to go and write in my journal (which I usually do when I really want to have a big discussion with Him), I realized that I hadn’t written in it in about almost a whole month, and the whole last entry was about how I needed to spend more time with Him. Well, we can see THAT didn’t happen.

I don’t even know why, and it really upsets me. It upsets me even more that in my last blog (which was written over a month ago) I said that I would be writing more and more often than I already did, and THAT didn’t happen either. And while I took these long “breaks” from REALLY communicating with God, a lot of things happened in my life, and not great things at that. My cat died, my great grandma died, I didn’t get re-hired at camp for this summer, my basement flooded. Those are just a few things, and all along I did ask God what this was for, what he wanted me to see. Now it’s obvious that he wanted me to spend more time with Him. I was trusting Him, and still running to Him, but I wasn’t trying to keep our relationship a two way street, it was more like a one way because the other lane had an accident blocking traffic from flowing correctly.

So today I’m taking a do over. Because I know that he will give it to me, He doesn’t care what I’ve done, because it’s in the past. And the only thing that matters to him is the present, and that I do my best to shine for Him, and that’s what He needed me to see. I don’t have the greatest past, but He doesn’t care about that because I am forever changed. Today my boyfriend approached me about how he wants to write a book, a book on purity and love from a teen male’s perspective, and how he wants me to help him with it, and maybe even put some input into it. The topic of purity has always been a “pressure point” for me, so to speak, because I haven’t been one of the purist of Christians that you could meet. But that has changed, and I am working to make myself better in this area, and today in church I realized that was what I wanted my “do over” to be about. To do what He has commanded, but to also use my “experiences” to help other people, and that was what He had for me when I got home, a chance to help myself, and other people. A chance for a do over. A chance to show people that there is another way, a truth, a light. And he died for us so we can HAVE that way.

What did I tell you? Easter has a lot of meanings.

Happy Easter, he is risen.

Two Weeks; shall be interesting...

2010-03-01T14:09:00.001-05:00

So today is the start of an interesting “journey” for me, so to speak.

Yesterday morning I woke up, thinking it would be a normal everyday Sunday, though it already wasn’t because my dad was working, therefore we weren’t going to church. I grabbed my cup of coffee like I do every morning, sat down on the couch, and began to watch the morning news with my mom, like I do almost every day, completely normal.

Though, this was not going to be a normal day. After about an hour of watching the news, I got up, to I think get my breakfast, though I’m not totally sure because I never ended up doing it. My mom came out of the dining room, which is where we keep all of our school stuff (my little sister and I are home schooled if you didn’t know), clutching my “planner” in her hand, and I knew I was in trouble.

The night before I went out to dinner with my best friend and her parents, but before I had left, my mom has asked me if all my “homework” was done, immediately I answered yes (because indeed I thought it was). So I went off with my friend and her family, and had a grand ol’ time, while my mom, at home, found that I had not, as I said that I had, finished all my school work.

If you know me, you know how far behind I am in school right now because; I started at a school this year, and then decided to return home, then had to repeat the whole first term anyway, and my books came about a month late. So yeah, I’m really REALLY far behind. And as I have written before, school is a big issue for me; I despise it, though I have never figured out why, because I do love to learn. My brain is a complicated subject matter, just ask my boyfriend.

So there my mother stood with my planner in her hand, and a look on her face I know all too well, though haven’t seen much of lately (thankfully, I have learned my lessons on a lot of things in the past year). She showed me all the work that I was supposed to have had done that I had not done, (it was a lot let me tell you. Can you say whoops?) and told me that I was to have it on her “desk” by Monday morning (today). It was about forty-five, give or take a few, pages of work, and not easy work at that. She continued to go on and tell me that I have no computer or phone privileges for two weeks (if you’re wondering how I am writing this, I do still have to do some school work on the computer), starting Monday.

After I pondered it during the day while I did my extensive amount of work, I found that I was troubled by my actions when she first gave me the verdict. The only thing that came out of my mouth was this “will I be able to use the house phone?”. I had no regards as to why I was really in trouble. Because yes, I was in “trouble” by my parents, but I am in TROUBLE right now, if I don’t get caught up, I might have to stay back a year. That would mean that I would be 19 years old at the start of my senior year. I do NOT want that to happen, I want to get out of here, and be who I am supposed to be. But the only thing that worried me was that I wouldn’t be able to talk to my boyfriend for two weeks. Is there something wrong with that? I wasn’t prioritizing correctly AT ALL. I always tell him that school always comes before me, or anything (except God), but I wasn’t willing to follow my own rule, why?

So I told him of the two week thing, and this is what he said “it’s okay, we’ll get through it, and we’ll be so much stronger in the end”. That’s it. No “man this is retarded!” or “I don’t know what I am going to do without you”. He knew this was what I needed to do; he accepted it, something that apparently, I wasn’t willing to do, for myself.

So I end by saying what I started with. Today is the start of an interesting “journey” for me. I am going to learn that you don’t need to completely fill your life with one person to the point where you can’t see what’s important anymore, and that one person shouldn’t be your whole identity. I will learn that I can survive without modern technology (maybe), and also that I can fend for myself. I don’t need people to “fix” every little single problem in my life, some things I need to do for myself. So this shall be interesting. I probably will write a couple of times during the two weeks, let people know how I am doing, let my thoughts out and see them for myself. So, pray for me that; I use this time wisely, I get things done, focus more on Him and learn to rely on Him instead of people, and learn to appreciate what I have and not take advantage of it.
Wish me luck!

Your log; doesn't mean pick on someone elses speck

2010-02-14T11:18:00.002-05:00

"Don't pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It's easy to see a smudge on your neighbor's face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, 'Let me wash your face for you,' when your own face is distorted by contempt? It's this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor.” Matthew 7:1-5 (The Message)

I love this, and I love this version, though I wish lately that I had been taking it a lot more seriously, and actually taking action.

I have this friend in my life, someone who is so much more than a friend. They are my other half as some people say, and I agree completely. We laugh together, cry, when they hurts, I hurt. But I hadn’t realized how much I had been hurting them lately.

Something has been going on with me lately, something that I refused even to acknowledge. I had been convinced that all the “problems” we were having was because the other person changed, changed too much for the “bad”. Yes, they had changed, but this person could never change for the “bad”, they have Him, therefore, it’s not even possible. But while I was all along “criticizing” them, telling them they needed to go back to the way they were, I didn’t even notice, I refused to watch myself change the exact way that I was accusing them of changing, if that makes sense.

I was the one that was changing, and needed to watch myself more, and question what was going on with me, and my attitude, because my attitude has grown, in a five year old temper tantrum way. This is what I have understood what I had been doing. I had been blowing up everything this person said into something way bigger and unneeded. I was doing this because then if everything was their fault, then we wouldn’t have to look at my “problems”, the REAL reason that all of this useless fighting was happening. I was letting my guard down too much, letting myself get hurt by stupid things that I would never in my right mind let hurt me before. But I certainly wouldn’t be such a jerk about it.

This person finally brought this to my attention this morning, Valentine’s Day, and I believe this to be the best Valentine’s Day present that I could have ever received. What more could I want then honesty? Because honesty, in the deepest way is LOVE. And isn’t that what this whole day is about? Love in the deepest level? Not culturally it isn’t, but it SHOULD BE! This morning we had the stupidest fight ever. It was about why Valentine’s Day is stupid, and now I am realizing that I was so wrong. My whole argument was stupid, and they were completely and entirely right. Everyday should be Valentine’s Day.

You shouldn’t love someone more just because Hallmark designates a day for it, you should love someone as much as you can. every. single. day. I am a Christian, and I’m not afraid to say it, not at all, and I should be loving as possible, to everyone. every. single. day. But I haven’t been. I’ve been hurtful. Nobody has been hurting me, only myself. I have been getting hurt because of myself. All this person has been giving me since we met is love. UnCONDITIONAL love! I have messed up a lot since we met, but no matter what, they are always still there, loving me more than they did five minutes before I messed up. And what this verse is saying is this; you should treat this person the way you want to be treated, and that’s what I’ve been getting. I’ve been treating them like crap, though I’ve only been getting a taste of it back. I can only imagine what it is like to be this person, and hurt like they have been hurting because of me. Because I refused to look at the log in my own eye, they have been hurting, and I will never be able to fix that.

I don’t want to make this a “public apology” because I have done that, and I don’t want to use this place for those kinds of things. Everything that we do should be for Him, and that is what I try to use this blog for, for the glory of Him, through me. Writing stuff down and letting all my thoughts out, has always helped me see how I need to changed to glorify the Lord more. This has been a really hard blog for me to write, I think mostly because I have had to admit that I am wrong, but this is something I need to get better at, this is one of the things I used to be better at, and am now refusing to do. So this will be my starting point to change, today, February 14th 2010, I am going to work harder to see the things that I need to work on, and not tell others to look at themselves before I examine myself.

This was really long, and I can now see, it was another blog mostly for me, but I haven’t written one in a long time, and so maybe I need to look into myself, and what I need to change more, and dissect it like this. We’ll see where it goes.

Holding on; the time to LET GO

2010-02-11T16:19:00.001-05:00

People are interesting creations.
There are so many things that we do that are just so hard to comprehend! We talk, we love, we hate, we worship, we connect, we have RELATIONSHIPS.

Relationships are tricky things. And I’m not talking JUST about your significant other type of relationships, any kind of relationship can be tricky. Some are hard to hold on to no matter how hard you work, some are hard to let go, no matter how hard you try. Some come and go without you even realizing it, and some do stay forever.

Recently I have cut a lot of people out of my life that have just been a burden, not helping me in my walk with Him, and just plain mean! But there was one person that I refused to let go of, and now I am not even really sure why I wanted to keep them there. We had gone through a lot together yes, but most of the turmoil that we went through was caused by our own actions, immaturity, and refusal to see what we were doing was not going to help us in the long run. I think this was caused by my own insecurity. What would happen if I let this person go? Would things be different? If so, how? This person did mean a lot to me, and they will forever hold a place in my heart, even though they took what wasn’t there’s to take. But I had to learn that I needed to stop blaming only them and take some of the blame, and take responsibility for my own actions, which I had been refusing to do.

Things went too far out of control recently with this person, and I was forced to come to a realization, that I needed them to be cut out too. It was really really hard to tell them that. And I miss them already, they were one of my best friends. I could go to them about anything, and know that they would be behind me, always. And I know that if I ever need them, they will still be there, I have no doubt. But sometimes these people, the ones that mean the most, are the ones that you need to let go of in order for both parties to move on. I believe that I made the right choice, and yes it is hard, but whoever said that walking hand in hand with Jesus Christ was going to be easy?

I have been dealing with people a lot these past couple of months, all kinds of people and their relationships with me. My best friend called me up today. I haven’t really talked with him in a while so I had a lot to tell him. But I realized that a true friend you don’t need to talk to every single day to keep the relationship going. We’re still best friends, and have been since the 5th grade, and we don’t talk all that much, at least not as much as we used to. But we are still best friends.

So this is what I have learned; you don’t need to be friends with everyone. It’s not going to matter when you leave this place. No matter what, your only TRUE friend is Jesus, everyone else is still going to disappoint you at some point in your life, always. You don’t need to hold onto someone just because you have a past with them, let them go. You are not always going to have a future with them. Some people bring you down, don’t associate yourself with them! Friends are supposed to be uplifting, not bringing you down. And no matter how good of a “friend” they are, if they are causing you to stumble, you need to let them go, and yeah, it’s hard, but in a few years time, you will forget that they even existed, and God heals wounds like no tomorrow. So, no matter what they did to you, he can always take care of it, the end.

Life; not another word for "movie"

2010-02-07T10:07:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I just get all confused and jumbled inside when things start to go wrong. I feel like I have no control over what I say, and if I’m angry, it comes out, if I’m sad, it comes out, if I don’t care at all, it comes out! So why is this? Why can’t I just learn to control my emotions? Is it not humanly possible? Do I just not try hard enough? What is it, I’m confused, and I wish I could find the answer.

Sometimes I feel like my life is like a never ending movie. The boy who is in love with you, and won’t leave you alone, going to college, the amazing boyfriend she already has, but she can’t get over how the other boy who loves hurt her so badly. Like why does this happen to certain people, and not others? Because I feel like a lot of my friends think that their lives are quite boring. And maybe possibly they are!

This morning, even before nine o’clock, I got into a fight with my boyfriend, and we almost never ever fight. Especially the way we were fighting this morning. I was really hurt by something he said, and then by the fact he said that he was hurt too. But I never let him actually tell me why, I just kept going on and on about how he hurt me. Is there something wrong with this picture?

This is what I have discovered. The world is NOT like a movie, whether or not your life seems like it at times or not. You can’t base your life on things that you see, because in reality, life is not a movie, so what works in a movie, probably isn’t going to work in real life. The same situations might happen, but they aren’t going to end the same way. And I write about this all the time, women wanting lives like the movies, or books or whatever. And I’m so sorry for being so hypocritical about the way I feel about this, because I was the biggest offender of them all. And I want to publically say I’m sorry to Nathanael Joseph Maloney, because you were right, and I didn’t give you a chance to say sorry, and for that, I’M sorry.

I don’t really know why I needed to get this out there, I guess just as a warning to people. Don’t try to run your life on what you see in the movies, or read in books. This is your life, you don’t even control it! He does, so just let him do his will, and don’t try to make it something else that it is not, because 110% of the time, his way is going to be better.

AWEsome; a word reserved for the Awesome One!

2010-01-25T18:48:00.002-05:00

My last post was kind of depressing in a way, but not at the same time. And I’m not really sure as to why that was.

So anyway, this past weekend I went “home” to Camp Berea (yay!) and I have to say that it was a lot more than I expected it to be. I worked from when I got there until 7 on Saturday night, going to as many chapel sessions as I could in between, because I did have this pull the whole time I was there, that something was supposed to happen, though I had no idea what it was!

I wasn’t working until 10:30 on Saturday morning, so I got up early and did my devos when everything was still quite, and everyone else in my cabin had to work (sorry girls). One thing that God has really been putting on my heart was my friend Lindsay, who is a lot like me in many ways. And she (to everyone’s surprise, though was apparently forced by her parents to come) came this weekend! And even just that made me so excited, because I knew, that even if she didn’t come back to Christ, SOMEthing would stir in her. And stir it did.

Saturday night came, and it was such an amazing night. I don’t think I have ever been so tired in my life, though somehow God kept me awake for the whole service and showed me wonderful things. Somehow, during the songs played by none other than the Mark White Band, the words finally sunk into my brain, and I finally realized how truly AMAZING God is! I remember just thinking “WHY did it take me this long to understand?!”, and I just broke down because of how HAPPY I was that I was his, and that I had finally made this connection!

Now the speaker, whose name was Jason Ostrander, was amazing. Very straight to the point, no completely pointless stories that went nowhere, or was the only thing that you really remembered. And that was so great. And he wasn’t all fluffy being like “if you except Christ, you’re life is going to be amazing”, no he explained how, people are going to hate you. The Enemy is going to try and attack you, that it’s NOT easy, but he went about in a way that spoke to so many people. Now, not too many people actually excepted Christ that night, but about 200 hundred came back to him. Including Lindsay! When I saw her stand up, I couldn’t help it, but I just started balling my eyes out. I went over to where she was sitting and gave her the biggest hug I could and through the tears I just said “I’ve been praying so hard for you!” it was such an amazing moment, and I truly realized how GREAT God really is.

This isn’t really a normal post for me, more just like an update. But I really just wanted to share that story with people, because I find it truly amazing. When I got home (yesterday) my mom challenged me to join the Elevation Church in Charlotte, NC in reading the New Testament in 30 days. At first I was like “uhh, hm.” But then I thought about it, and I got really excited because I thought back to what I had learned this weekend. And today I started reading, and so far I can’t get enough! I’m probably going to finish in less than 30 days! Somehow God is just opening my eyes to him in ways I never expected, nor thought I truly needed, turns out, you can never learn too much from Him. So I leave you with this; lyrics to one of the songs that the Mark White Band played this weekend that I have sung a million times, though somehow it finally helped me realize how Awesome God is.

How He Loves, by John Mark McMillan

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us so

Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,
And the heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

Life; does it really matter?

2010-01-19T19:57:00.003-05:00

On Sunday I was driving to a restaurant after church, doing what I always do on longish car rides (over 20 minutes), listening to my mp3 player. I was listening to a new playlist that I had just made the night before, filled with “new” songs that I had just downloaded. And as I listened to them, I started to realize a pattern; they were all about living life like it was your last day, or living it without regrets. And this struck me, because that was kind of like what my pastor was talking about in church about forty five minutes before hand, except what he was saying was a little different.

What Pastor Neal was saying it this; we do a lot of things in this life, some good, some bad, but is it all really going to matter in an eternal life?

Basically this is what I got from it; we have freedom of choice in this life, to either follow God, or to not. That is really the only thing that matters in this and the next life. Not living your life to the fullest, not accomplishing “your” dreams, not any of that. The only things that matter are fulfilling God’s plan for you, and accepting Him as your Lord and Savior! Those are the only things that are going to carry on into this next life that, if we so choose, to accept! So my question is this; why do we always think that we have to have the best life? This isn’t a competition here. And when we get to Heaven, it’s not even going to matter anyway. I mean sure it is exciting to do things that we have always wanted to try and whatnot, and there is NOTHING wrong with that, but I think people make too big a deal of it; like in all of those ghost stories of about how they didn’t move on because they had “unfinished business”. That’s not going to happen. God has a plan for everyone, and everyone is going to die when he plans, and everyone is going to do what he plans. And supposedly people know that, but what I will never understand is why people still think that if they do this one thing, their life will be “complete”. If they have Jesus, their life is ALREADY complete, and anyway, that’s the only thing that’s going to matter later right?

Drama; need I say more?

2010-01-07T12:18:00.002-05:00

Drama.

The one word in the English dictionary that I can honestly say drive me crazy, I mean, who doesn’t it drive crazy? Who in their right mind honestly say that they enjoy drama (well, I mean if they are involved. We live in a sad society where we enjoy watching other people fight). I do enjoy a good soap opera, I have to admit that my favorite show is One Tree Hill, but my least favorite thing in the world to deal with is DRAMA. And dramatic PEOPLE. And man, I have A LOT of those in my life. And I don’t even go to school! Goes to show that it follows you everywhere…

This past week has been filled with drama for me, I think I am safe to say that it has been the worst that I have ever had to deal with, the sad thing is, it was about nothing. Everything was a “joke” so to say, most of the thing being spread around were made up, fake, never even said or even happened. See what people do for fun? They like to hurt other people, just from “misunderstandings” or faults of their own. I mean come on, if you really like someone (and they want to date you), don’t go around telling their friends you don’t like them, and expect them not to find out. And when they do, are you seriously going to get mad at the one who told them? That’s completely your own fault here. But I have found that people do things like this all the time. And then they do their best to tear that person limb from limb in whatever way possible, usually by words.

I was called a lot of nasty things this week and at one point I was told that I had to fight some girl! At first I was like “whatever”, and then I was pissed, and then confused, sad, painfully hurt, and now I’m just coming to realize that I really just don’t actually care! What they were saying isn’t true, and I know it, so if they want to say those things, and I know they aren’t true, why should I care? Jesus taught us to love each other no matter what they say or do to us, and to turn the other cheek. And that is what I am going to do. But I am also learning not to get into other people’s business anymore. If they are going to talk about their personal life in ways I don’t really feel comfortable hearing about, I am going to tell them, and walk away. I mean I don’t really tell people stuff about my boyfriend and I, so why should I listen to other people talk about theirs? I am starting to realize I wish I had figured out this a long time ago; you can’t care what the world thinks about you, it’s only going to bring you down, no matter what it is, it is going to bring you down into places that you will never get out of without the help if Him

So last night I was telling my stories of the week to one of my best friends in the whole world and she gave me these verses to read and told me that I should listen to the truth. And she is right these verses are perfect;

“Do you think I speak this strongly in order to manipulate crowds? Or curry favor with God? Or get popular applause? If my goal was popularity, I wouldn't bother being Christ's slave. Know this—I am most emphatic here, friends—this great Message I delivered to you is not mere human optimism. I didn't receive it through the traditions, and I wasn't taught it in some school. I got it straight from God, received the Message directly from Jesus Christ.” Galatians 1:10 (The Message)

"If you find the godless world is hating you, remember it got its start hating me. If you lived on the world's terms, the world would love you as one of its own. But since I picked you to live on God's terms and no longer on the world's terms, the world is going to hate you.” John 15:18-19 (The Message)

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Psalm 139:13-14 (NIV)

I like The Message version of the first two verses because it is very straightforward, and powerful. When I first read these versions I felt so much stronger and ready to face the world and the people in it and say “You can say what you want, but my God still loves me, and that is that.” But I like the more formal NIV version of Psalm 139:13-14 because I feel like it shows more love towards God, showing how grateful we are towards him for making us the way we are; in His image.

So I know there are people out there that have this everyday struggle to conform to the world, I know I do. When people are creating drama just remember this; “it doesn’t deal with you, we are not supposed to indulge in this type of behavior, and no matter what, you will always get hurt”. So just leave it be, and remember, the world hated Him first, that’s why it hates you. You will always be hated, get used to it! :)

Woman Porn; a reality check?

2010-01-05T13:36:00.002-05:00

So I’ve used all my strength not to write about this topic, but I don’t believe that I can do it anymore. I feel like writing is going to make me sound like a hypocrite, and that’s one things I am not okay with being, but aren’t we all a bit hypocritical at some point in our lives? I believe so, so that is why I am writing this.

Last night I was listening to one of my favorite songs of all time; Your Guardian Angel by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. Now some may argue, but I believe that is a truly beautiful song. The song is the perspective of a person so madly in love with another, that they would do anything for that one person, even die. They are desperate for them; they need them to survive, and they can do whatever they would like to them, as long as they stay. (Just a little side note, I am reading the book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldridge, and I feel like this song has very close similarities to what they say about God and his relationship with us, now you know what my next post will be about). Before I continue, here are the lyrics;

When I see your smile
Tears run down my face I can't replace
And now that I'm strong I have figured out
How this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul
And I know I'll find deep inside me I can be the one

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.
Seasons are changing
And waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you I'll be the one

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

‘Cause you're my, you're my, true love, my whole heart
Please don't throw that away
‘Cause I'm here for you
Please don't walk away and
Please tell me you'll stay, stay

Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know I'll be okay
Though my skies are turning gray

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

Now, I kind of have forgotten what I wanted to talk about, because I feel sad. Sad because this is what we do to ourselves; I feel that people (mainly women I suppose) write these kinds of songs, and listen to them over and over, desperate to create a fantasy of some sort that will fill the “emptiness” in their heart. In a previous post I called it “woman porn” and it saddens me, but that is exactly what it is. The create a fairytale land inside their head, thinking that one day this will happen to them, that someone will come and sweep them off their feet in this EXACT way, and everything will happen like “this”, and then when it doesn’t happen, they are left disappointed with whatever wonderful thing that they are given. This saddens me greatly, and I’m not going to say I have never done this, but I mourn for everyone that has, because will they ever truly be happy? Think of all the girls and women who (myself included, though I am happy to say I have never wish for any of it to happen) have read the Twilight Saga. Think of how many girls think that there are men out there like Edward Cullen and Jacob Black. THERE AREN’T. But they make themselves believe that there are! What happens when they realize that many men are pigs, and not perfect? They are left disappointed, right where they left off.

I feel badly, because this is not the happiest post to start the New Year off with, but I needed to get this off my chest and out into the open. I hope that in this new year of 2010, people will come back to reality, though the sad thing is, I know they won’t.

New Years; a time of Thank You's (:

2009-12-29T14:16:00.002-05:00

I’m listening to Stay Strong as I write this. I don’t think that this post is going to really mean anything; I think I am too excited really to even concentrate on writing anything worth while. I feel like I get like this at the end of every year, excited as to what the next New Year will bring; new experiences, new people to meet, new things to learn. But this coming Year, I don’t think I have ever been this excited before. I think it’s because I have something to look forward to. I’ve learned so much, and changed virtually everything that was me this year, and I cannot wait to see what s ahead, and what God will show me in 2010. (I’m getting really annoyed right now, my computer is skipping). I feel like I need to write something profound in this post because it’s going to be my last one of the year, because I am leaving for Berea tomorrow until Friday, and then I’m staying in North Conway with my family until Sunday. But I don’t think that anything profound is going to come. Just thanks. I think this would be a good time to thank the people who have affected me the most this year.

The Camp Berea Quad- for giving me a job at the most amazing summer camp in the world

Erika Sanderson- for being an amazing friend. Understanding and listening about something that she virtually didn’t and never will understand, but treated me like a normal human being, and seeing when I needed someone to talk to. For sending me random texts when I need them most, even though most of the time she doesn’t know it (:

Carrie Pollard- for being an amazing worker. Latching on and being prepared for the ride, even though we had no idea what we were doing. For keeping me sane when I thought I was going to explode, and taking care of everything when I was made to stay in the nurses.

Tori Duttweiler- For being an amazing friend. Keeping me sane all summer. Always being there when I needed a friend. Waking me up when I was going to be late to work. Thanks for all the amazing memories. One day we will run away (and not tell Nathanael). Because you live there are 10,000 times as many stars in the sky. And thank you for modeling the most beautiful quilt dress that I will wear to prom. Oh, and I think you’re fine, and you really blow my mind.

Julia Vitale- for being the best texting buddy ever. Always being cheerful when I need her. Telling me that my “boyfriend” was a lunatic, and I deserved better (well I got that right? Hehe), and that he called too much. For letting me crash in her room more than once, and enjoy her presence, even though sometimes I fell asleep while she was talking. For telling me to watch my heart when I needed to, and to get rid of people in my life I didn’t need. I wish I was a little bit taller, and I wish I was a baller. One day I will be.

Emmaline Conte- for stepping in to a new place that you had no idea about, and about zero interest. If it weren’t for you girl, I would have killed my self during Girls Camp. Thanks for all of your help. Thank you for all the random conversations we had when we had “nothing” to do. For making me laugh, and make me say things that I, myself needed to hear. OH, and remember that really rainy day that I had to go to the nurses, and you didn’t even know, and ran free time all by your self? Thanks (:

Joseph Beachy- Being the best boss ever, and not firing me, even though we all know I was late more than the three times you admit. For organizing “cleaning parties” to clean the craft shop, since I just couldn’t keep it clean, you guys were better at it. Oh, and for driving me to CT for the fireworks we never saw (:

Abby Bandi- for being an awesome friend whenever I need her. For telling me that my dreams are not crazy when everyone else thinks they are. Thanks for the conversations about random boys, and how most of them weren’t good enough for me, and when I found the one that is, you told me he was. Thanks for staying up until 2 in the morning in the cold with me at Man Camp, and just listening to me talk, and get lots of stuff out, and making me have some fun that I had really needed that weekend. Sorry about Jeff lol.

Julie Nicols- thanks for noticing and loving the “new Shapleigh” when I got home. And telling me “it’s about time”. I can’t thank you enough, because that meant the world to me, though you will probably never understand it.

Zach Algarin- for showing me that I deserve better. That you are exactly the kind of person I need to NOT be with. For getting me to realize what I need, and that even though I said “I didn’t know” what was wrong, thanks for being a pain in the ass persistent and getting it out of me.

Nathanael Maloney- you are my whole world now. I don’t even know where to start with you. Thank you for showing me that I am better than what I perceive myself to be. For telling me that I am beautiful, even when I think that I am not. Thank you for showing me how to be a better person, and a better Christian. Thank you for all of your prayers that you have dedicated to me. Thank you for you letters. Thank you for all of the support you have given me over the last 6 months, because there has been a lot. And thanks for listening to all my stupidness, and hiperness, and putting up with me when I can be a pain. Thanks baby.

To my “Daddy”- you are the hardest to thank. Because there is so much I have to thank you for. Too much to even try and list. Just thank you for everything that you have showed me this year. Thank you for being persistent and breaking through that “Great Wall of China” at the time when I needed it most! Thank you for helping me become a stronger and more loving person. Thank you for making me happier, this has arguably been the best year of my life, thank you for making it so.

So this has been the longest post I have written yet, and it’s because I owe so many thanks to so many people. I hope they read this. Happy New Year everyone (:

Happiness; another life lesson I needed to teach myself about

2009-12-22T12:51:00.003-05:00

Happiness. What is happiness? I always wish that I knew the TRUE meaning of happiness. Apparently our country wishes that they did too. I have heard it said that even thought we are the most “well off” country in the world, we are the most depressed. Even though we have all of these opportunities and wonderful things, we are still the most depressed. But this isn’t going to be about “be grateful for what you have”. This is about ways to find happiness, or at least how I have found it.

My boyfriend lives an hour and a half away. That’s not too far for two seventeen year olds with their licenses, but neither of us have one. Needless to say, we have been dating since June, and barley see each other, at the most, once a month, but I don’t think that I have ever been happier in my life. I remember being asked one day if I could choose for him to live closer if I would. I sat and thought about it for a while and eventually answered “no”. And I think the person who asked the question was quite taken aback. But there is reason for this. I am happy with what we have, I love every minute that we have because this way I feel like we are getting to KNOW each other more because we don’t really have a choice to do anything else. I remember once he said to me “we have to use this time to get to know each other and grow in love and not be distracted by the physical”. And he was so right, because believe me, he is a very good looking man. But this isn’t about us. In fact I don’t really feel that comfortable sharing even that much because we like our privacy, and don’t really believe in other people being “in” our relationship besides us and Him. But you need that much information to really understand what I am going to talk about next.

Put it this way, I like Nathanael a lot. And that is an understatement, because even I do not completely understand how much I do. So being apart for so long, and he having a job and going to school (I’m homeschooled), and my “after school” activities, and us just being so BUSY all the time, can really take a toll on a seventeen year old girl. And I remember when we first actually were in a relationship; it was after we got home from working all summer together at camp, and seeing each other for a good 4 or 5 hours a day I didn’t really know how to deal with it. But I got through it because we saw each other a lot those first two months. But after October we haven’t seen much of each other. And I started to become really depressed and didn’t really know how to control it. And you know, I think he was starting to get a little annoyed with me. One night we had a conversation and he was like “I know you are strong, you can get through this, show me that you can.” And so I did, or so I thought. It was only until a little while ago that I realized that I was “happy” all the time, I was becoming “stronger”, but it was artificial happy. A happy that wouldn’t let anybody, including myself, see that on the inside I still wasn’t that happy. I was lonely, and sad. Because I thought that if I was sad, that meant I wasn’t being strong. Last night I finally figured it out. It’s OKAY to be sad, but what I was doing wasn’t okay. I was letting it control everything that I did. When I first told my mom we were going to stay together even though we were far apart she told me this; “That is an awfully mature thing to do Shapleigh, but I think you need to get your emotions in check first, but do what you want”. I never understood it until now. No matter what you are experiencing, it is okay to feel that emotion, but you can’t let it control your life. I have to say that I am actually genuinely happy now that I know what I am doing. I am allowed to feel emotion, and that is really great. It’s okay to feel lonely and sad sometimes, but when I let them affect the way that I am living, that is going to make me a person I don’t want to be, and I am sure people don’t want to be around.

Now that I have concluded this I have realized that this is another blog really aimed at myself, not really others. I believe that this is just another way that I am learning to “Stay Strong”. That sometimes I need to help myself grow, and realize things in order to help others learn and grow also.

Disappointment; a great motivation tool.

2009-12-18T10:43:00.002-05:00

Lately I have been thinking a lot about disappointment, and how powerful it can be to the human mind. When someone is disappointed in you, you with yourself, you with others, the outcome of something, anything that has to do with disappointment. Why is this so powerful? Why can something that we didn’t want to happen affect us so much? This is what I have discovered.

Disappointment is a GREAT motivation tool. At least for some people like me it is. Growing up I always felt as though I was disappointing people in some way; my grades weren’t good enough, my batting average was poor, I never paid attention, I was a “bad kid”, all those things you dread that people would “say” about you, I felt as though people were saying them about me, and that bothered me a lot, but for some reason it didn’t bother me enough. But evening over the summer I decided to really examine myself and everything that I had done over the years that I had believed (and am still pretty sure were) people were disappointed in me for, and realized how disappointed in MYSELF I was. I was not living the life that He had wanted for me. I had fallen really far away from him and built this “Great Wall of China” I remember describing it as to my friend Erika, it was a wall that would allow me to disregard any bad feelings about what I had been doing, and trust me, there was a lot. But I felt nothing about it, I felt no remorse, and I had no intentions of going “back” to Him, even though I knew that there were people disappointed in me. And that is a big thing with me, I love when people are proud of me, and I think that is because nobody really ever had a reason to be, so when they actually were, it was the most amazing feeling in the world. But this “Great Wall of China” was built so high and so thick that it even blocked out the feelings of disappointment that people had for me, and they didn’t bother me. Until this night, when I realized how disappointed I was in myself. I had told myself that I would never get to this! And look where I was! I wasn’t angry, I wasn’t sad but I was disappointed, and that gave me reason to change, because I wanted to be proud of myself. And I knew that if I changed, and others were proud of me, it would give me reason to be proud of myself. And let me tell you, things were so much better after that. I was so much happier (and still am, pretty much all the time) after I “cleaned up my act” so to speak. And there was no more disappointment. Sure, there are times when I slip, and say a word that I shouldn’t, or do something that I know I shouldn’t. And I’m not going to lie, I get sometimes really angry, but then that anger turns to disappointment, and that disappointment turns into motivation not to do it again. And it usually works, because who really want to be disappointed with themselves forever? Not me.

Now I feel like I should tie this into Christmas somehow, since it IS in six days. And I know that I was going to anyway because this reflects how I feel about it anyway. I’m so disappointed in this world and how we turned something so BEAUTIFUL into something so, disgraceful. If the one that we are supposed to be celebrating came back this Christmas, I feel as though he would be so hurt. Christmas is not about the best presents, sexy lingerie, the food, the shopping, family, or getting together. But that is what we have made it to be. It is about the fact that the one that died for us was born, and he came into this world just as you and I did, a baby, and a lot more humble one than I am sure you and I were. We were born in hospitals with lots of doctors, and probably to married parents with a mother over the age of 22 most likely. Mary and Joseph were not even married, or had doctors or a place to stay! And think about it, MARY WAS ABOUT 12 YEARS OLD. Imagine that.

Now I’m sad to report that no matter how many people are “disappointed” in this Christmas that we have made, it is not going to change. It is always going to be like this because, unfortunately, this is how it is supposed to be. But let that disappointment be a motivation tool, to remember and actually act upon what Christmas is actually about. Now I’m not saying don’t go out and get a tree and everything that Christmas “is”, but at least acknowledge what it really is, because who wants to be disappointed forever? Not me.

"Stay Strong"; teaching myself that sometimes being selfish is okay?

2009-12-10T09:28:00.005-05:00

There is a song by the Newsboys that I absolutely LOVE. Ever since I heard it I was completely in love with it. When I first heard it I loved it because of the wonderful piano intro (I’m a sucker for piano, I wish I could play like no tomorrow). I never knew how much that it was going to mean to me in just some time. Now I feel like the song is speaking directly to me. Yesterday I wrote about this struggle that I have, that I have been keeping inside for a long time. But now I am learning to deal with it, I am teaching myself to “Stay Strong”. And every morning and every night that is what I am told. I am told to stay strong, and what I have learned so far, in these past few days, that just hearing that somebody believes in you and they know that you are strong, can help you overcome anything. But the one thing you have to have in order for this to work, is strength and belief in yourself. Here are the lyrics, they mean everything to me. I listen to this song at least once a day now, and am planning to write the chorus on index cards and stick them around various places that I go to a lot during the course of my day;

You're in the moment now
A bitter root
A wandering eye and then
The ties that bind start wearing thin, thin

You're in the moment now
When all you've been blessed with
Is not enough
Here's where the ground gets loose
Here's where the devils call your bluff

Stay strong
You are not lost
Come on and fix your eyes ahead
There's a new dawn to light our day, our day
You've gotta stay strong
You and I run
For the prize that lies ahead
We've come too far to lose our way, our way

We've seen the tragic flaws
The tortured souls
The saints with feet of clay
Here's where sin becomes cliché'

We've come through wilderness and watched
The cloud by day
The burning sky into dawn
Have you forgotten who you are?
Did you forget whose trip you're on?

Stay strong
You are not lost
Come on and fix your eyes ahead
There's a new dawn to light our day, our day
We've gotta stay strong
You and I run
For the prize that lies ahead
We've come too far to lose our way, our way

Get up, there's further to go
Get up, there's more to be done
Get up, this witness is sure
Get up, this race can be won
This race can be won

We've gotta stay strong
You are not lost
Come on and fix your eyes ahead
Our Father's dawn will light our day, our day
Come on and stay strong
His grip is sure
And His patience still endures
There'll be no letting go today, no way

Come on, and stay strong
You and I run
For the prize that lies ahead
We've come too far to lose our way, our way

Every time I listen to this I am almost brought to tears, and that doesn’t happen to me a lot while listening to songs, unless they really mean something to me or are speaking directly to something that is really heavy on my heart. I feel weird writing this blog because I feel as though all of the one’s that I write are for others, I love writing for others, but this one is mostly for me. Maybe that is just something I have to do. Maybe every once and a while I need to make things about me, and not about other people. I’m not sure about this newfound concept though because that sounds really selfish, and being selfish is one of the things that I am working really really hard on right now not to be, so I guess that we will have to see where this goes...

Internal Struggles; a good way to find what you need to do.

2009-12-09T12:51:00.001-05:00

I have this thing that I constantly struggle with. To say that it is an addiction is probably a good way to explain it. I don’t like to talk about it, and I don’t even like to say the word of what it is. For about a year, the Big Guy and I were the only ones who knew about it. I vowed never to tell anyone, that it was too embarrassing, and that nobody would ever understand what I was going through; that it was actually a struggle and not just something that I liked to do. But it had been bothering me a lot.

Now my boyfriend Nathanael and I pretty much don’t keep anything from each other, I can’t think of anything right now about me that he doesn’t know. (Well I mean he doesn’t know everything about me, but you get the point) And so you can only imagine what it was like to keep something big from him for so long. It was hard, and agonizing, and scary. Because I wanted to tell him, it was something that he deserved to know about. But I kept it to myself for a long time. And now I don’t really know why, because I have thrown a lot of things at him, a lot of scary and hard things to deal with. And he is still here! He still tells me every day that he loves me, and that he isn’t going to leave. That nothing is going to be too scary for him. So why didn’t I just believe him? I mean, of course I believed him, and I trusted him, but why didn’t I just fully do it? I call myself a daring person, but I wasn’t daring enough to go out on a limb and possibly get hurt. And that is so hypercritical. Because I always say that I would do that in a heartbeat with him, but I never fully was doing it. And I will never understand why. But I finally told him about this struggle on Monday night, and I feel so much better. He is still here. And he has been helping me with no questions asked. And I guess this is something I knew that would happen all along, but for some reason I guess I didn’t trust myself that I could take that amount of love from someone. Before I met him I was such a commitmentphobe. I didn’t like it, because I like change, with change comes new experiences. What I wasn’t realizing was that you can still have new experiences with the same person; it doesn’t have to be someone different every time. So I never knew how to gain and get so much love from one person, because I never gave them enough time before I let them go to get to this point. And now I realize what I had been missing out on! It’s amazing! And honestly, I still cannot believe that I have found this at seventeen (well I was sixteen when I found him, but I’ve had a birthday)!!

I think that is what I am trying to say here. That people shouldn’t be afraid to go out on a limb and get hurt, if they do, then they do, and that’s supposed to happen, but you will learn from it. But you actually have to DO IT. Don’t just say that you would, and then do it slowly, crawling out on to the limb on your stomach inch by inch. You have to do it for real; just stand up and walk out. And it’s okay to be scared. It’s okay to be scared out of your freaking mind, that’s what I needed to realize. It’s okay to be scared and to surrender. It is okay. Surrendering is not always a bad thing, if you don’t learn how to do it, what amazing experiences will you ever have? NONE. And sometimes you just need to let things out, and surrender them to God, and yeah, that’s really scary. And yeah, you could get really hurt by this, but He loves you, and that’s something that everyone needs to know. He loves you more than you will ever be able to understand, and for some THAT is what they need to go out on a limb for, they just have to gain trust. And trust is a scary thing.

Now I realize I touched on a lot of hard topics here in one post, and they might not all even make sense to everyone, but I hope that at least one of them will at least make someone think, think about that thing that they are holding back that is keeping them from something that they deserve.

Daydreams; another way to realize GOD is in control

2009-12-08T11:49:00.002-05:00

There’s a question that I often ponder, though I still have never found the answer to, no matter how much I think about it;

“Why do we think we know what we like/want, and then when we get the complete opposite, it turns out that THAT is actually what we needed all along?”

It’s funny how these things happen. You make up all these wonderful things in your head, things that you think will make your life “complete” if you get them, but do we ever really get them? Usually not, I’ve come to realize that we usually get the complete opposite of what we wanted, and somehow that always turns out BETTER than what we wanted.

I remember when I applied for my first job at the most amazing camp in the world, Camp Berea (YAY!). I had wanted to work there since I first started going there at seven years old. And all that time I was convinced that I was going to work in the kitchen, because I was told that when you applied at you could only work either maintenance (ew) or kitchen. So that was what I applied for, I applied for the kitchen. When it came time for my first phone interview I was informed that there were no spot in the kitchen left, that they were all taken by past staff members. So I was given an option; I could either work maintenance, or I could run the craft shop with one other girl (not because guys don’t like crafts, they do). So I chose the craft shop, and I was kind of excited, kind of nervous, but pretty put out that I wasn’t going to get to work in the kitchen. I mean you would too if you had thought for 10 years that was what you were going to be doing THIS summer. THIS summer had finally come, and I didn’t get what I had thought was going to be the perfect “first summer job”. I got pretty much the complete opposite, and it was so much better. I love the craft shop. I get to hang out with kids all day, and make things. Seriously, how cool is that? And I made some amazing friends, hey, they may be 12, but I still talk to them at least once a week! At the end of the summer I got to work the kitchen for two weeks, and yeah, it was awesome, and I totally loved it, but I wouldn’t have picked it over my job at the Craft Shop, never. So why is that? Why did I think that this was going to be what I wanted? I made this all up in my head, thinking it was what I wanted, but it really wasn’t what I NEEDED.

I feel like we all do this at least once in our lives. And you all know what I am talking about. Yup, significant others. There, I said it. There are some of us (myself included) who spend our whole lives making up this awesome, perfect, everything you want right down to where there freckles are, kind of person in our head. And you plan how and when and where you’re going to meet, and how and when you will get engaged, and how many kids you will have, and what they look like and their names, and EVERYTHING. And of course there are some people who do the complete opposite. They spend their whole lives saying that they don’t need or want anyone. I even dated a guy like that (What was wrong in THAT relationship? If you even knew…), but then you get something or someone completely different, and you realize that all along that is what you truly needed. You only made those things up in your head because those are the things that will keep you the way you are now, but anything opposite is too scary. That is defiantly what happened to me. I was convinced that my husband would be ‘a blue eyed, sandy blonde hair, about 6 foot tall football player. He would be Irish just like me. We would have 3 boys, all with Irish names, and they would all have blonde curly hair. We wouldn’t be rich, but we would be well off. We would meet in college, but not date until I was around 25ish, get married a couple of years later’. That kind of guy. I had everything figured out. But man, did god had something different in mind. Here’s the real man of “my dreams”, the one I really needed all along. And yeah, he’s completely different, and if he even changed one thing about himself I would go insane; ‘green eyed, brown hair, 5 foot 8, guitar player. Completely in love with JESUS (See what I left out before? Yeah, so much better) he is Irish though, but I have this feeling he wants more than 3 boys. I’m pretty sure there’s going to be a girl somewhere in there too. They probably will all have Biblical names, not Irish. I have this feeling we won’t be rich, and probably not “well off” until a while after we get married. We met the summer I was 16, and I was dating another guy, one I thought I would be with for a long time. He never officially asked me to be his girlfriend.’

See how much different that is? See how much better I am off? So this is what I am saying; no matter what you think is right for you, you aren’t in control. God is, and only HE knows what is actually right for you. And sometimes it’s completely different than what you had in mind.

Maturity; your own type of Motivation

2009-12-02T16:37:00.008-05:00

So lately I have been thinking a lot about motivation, and how much of it I lack. It’s been even hard for me to get myself just to sit down and write this, because I knew what it was going to make me think about, and I didn’t really like that. What is motivation? I have found that it can be quite simple, but also at the same time, very complicated. When I was younger, I was an avid softball player. I played on the best team in the city for three years in a row, and it was my favorite 4 months of the year. Softball meant the world to me. But along with softball, I was a major dancer. I did ballet, tap, jazz, and lyrical, but a couple of those I did twice over, taking more than one class. Needless to say, in the spring I was a very busy girl because along with the softball season, I would be getting ready for the spring recital, the thing that I had been working towards all school year. SO right now you’re probably wondering where the heck I am going with this, but don’t worry, it has a point.

School was and still isn’t my favorite thing. To say that I detest it probably would be an understatement. The sad thing is; I have an IQ of like 146. That’s a really high IQ. But because I have hated school so much my whole life, I never ever try. I refuse to do my homework, usually don’t pay attention, and just goof off the whole time. I never have had the motivation to do the work. Sure, I knew what was going to happen if I didn’t do well in school, I probably would end up going to community college, but to a high school freshman, that doesn’t mean much, that’s still four years away.

But now (here comes the tie-in) thinking back three years ago I wonder. I wonder what motivated me to stay in dance all year, and spend a total of about 25 hours a week in the studio, when every year it ended the same. The same with softball. What motivated me so much that all year I would practice, hoping to get better for next season, which only lasted about 3 and a half months. And when the season was going on, what motivated me to get up on Saturday mornings for seven o’clock practice in 30 degree March weather? What was it? And these two things ran at the same time. What motivated me to keep doing my best at both of them, at the same time? How come I could never even get myself to do my homework, but I could do that?

I see this problem with everyone that I meet. They have no problem being motivated to do something that they want to do, but if it is something that they just don’t like, they have no motivation whatsoever, even if they know they have to do it, or there will be consequences. Why is this? Where does this mentality come from? Why can’t we just force ourselves to do things that we don’t want to do? I guess that this post doesn’t really have an ending, because I am still pondering these questions, and probably will never find the answer. But I do want to say that sometimes these things do change. I don’t have as much of a problem with getting myself to do my school work now. So, maybe that is a change in character. I have changed a lot since I was 15. Maybe motivation is a characteristic of people, either they have it, or they have to mature until they find it. That’s what I believe. That it is a sense of maturity. Once you are mature enough to know that you have to do something, and you are mature enough to surrender yourself to doing it, you don’t need motivation anymore. You are your own type of motivation.

Thanksgiving; one day out of the year that SHOULD be everyday

2009-11-25T12:50:00.002-05:00

So tomorrow is Thanksgiving. The one day out of the year that we all come together and give thanks that we are living in a free country, and are all so fortunate and whatnot. Things like that. But why should we only be thankful only this week? The thing is that we shouldn’t. We need to be thankful towards God every single day of our life. Because think about what he gave us. He sent his one and only son into this horrible world to live, be tortured and humiliated and then die for all of our sins, so that we could be forgiven and one day, if we accept his gift, go and be with him. I mean that’s pretty cool right? I mean, I’m thankful for that!! I thank him as much as I can, because that’s something that I believe that we should do. But I don’t thank him only for this. I thank him for everything that I have. Because there are a lot of people out there who aren’t nearly as fortunate as I am. And I complain about my parents not being able to afford new school clothes, when I can barley clothes all 7 drawers full of clothes that I have, because they are so full of clothes, most I never even wear. Where do we learn to act like this? It’s because we live in a world where we are all so spoiled that we take everything for granted. And we shouldn’t. The other day I was watching the today show like I do every morning and they were doing a segment that was something about people helping out the less fortunate this Thanksgiving. And I just remember thinking to myself “I wish people didn’t have to help others like this. I wish that everyone could be just as fortunate as everyone else. That there would be no more starving children or teenage girls being bought and sold as sex slaves. There wouldn’t be any more homeless people, or people without jobs that need them, or even schools without paper and the regular school supplies needed for everyday teaching.” But this is an ideal world. And that kind of world is never going to exist, no matter how many times I wish it, or ask God for it. So what I want to say it this; when you’re out shopping at all of those Christmas sales at the crack of dawn on Friday for presents, and you’re sad because you can’t afford the coolest sweater, or new iPod, remember all the kids and people who don’t even have a place to go this Christmas. Or the people who are hoping that the one thing that they will get is a toothbrush and some toothpaste, and when you walk by the Salvation Army man at the door to this mall that you are shopping in, put in double that you were going to put in. there are people out there that need it more than you. And while you’re doing it, thank God for everything that he has given you, and apologize for any greedy thought that you have ever had, because God will always provide for you if you trust in him.

Deception; a common way to find your true friend

2009-11-20T11:24:00.003-05:00

So lately I’ve learned that people can be quite deceptive. They will be your best friend one minute, and spreading rumors about you the next. They say they will always have your back, but is that really true? What is a true friend? I have to say that in my 17 years of living, I thought that I have had a lot of “true friends” and now I am coming to the terms of I really haven’t. But somehow I am okay with that. And I think that was the biggest surprise to me, that I am okay with the fact that I have never had a true friend.

I remember once having a conversation with a particular person and them telling me “I have never really had a true friend.” And I think that was when I really starting thinking that ‘Wow, I never really have either’. Well, except for this person that is. I think that they really are my only true friend. But what is a true friend? Is a true friend one that you can hang out with and make you laugh? While that sounds all fun and games, what happens when you are doing something that you shouldn’t do? Is that “true friend” going to care enough to tell you that you shouldn’t be doing that? Or that maybe you are making an mistake on something that you are really determined that is what you are supposed to do? Probably not. I have come to the conclusion that I think we really only have two true friends in our lifetime. One, being Jesus. He is always going to be there, he always has your back. He would never say anything bad about you, and he will tell you when you are doing something wrong. On top of it, he died for you. How many friends do you have that would stand up and take pure humiliation and torture and die for you? Probably, more often than not, none. But I believe that the second true friend is and should be your spouse. And for many people this is not the case. And I feel sorry for them. Watching my parents interact with each other for the last 14 years, I can honestly say that they are each other’s best friend. Of course there are times where they fight, everyone has times where they fight. But when they are not, they are the best of friends. And obvisouly I'm not saying that everybody should now go out and base their marriage on my parents, but just hear me out.

My mom’s job sucks, and if you know her, you know that. And there are times where she will come home crying, and my dad will just say “Hey, don’t let it bother you. She (being my mom’s boss) is a pig, and she is just jealous of you”. And she really just needs someone to say that to her. A true friend will do anything to make you happy. They will submit to your needs, and put you first. Always. They will help you grow in many ways immensely, and you will also do the same for them. They will teach you things you never thought you needed to know, they will help you see things you never saw before. But isn’t this what the Bible tells us our spouses will be like? See the connection here? So sit down right now, and list off every friend that you have ever had. How many of them could you call a true friend, from those standards? For some, maybe you already have your true friend. Hold on to that person. You never know what could become of them. They are going to continue to help you grow, and learn, and see things differently. They will always have your back no matter what. They will support you, and love you, and they don’t care if you have a cool car, or the latest video game. Because they are a TRUE friend.

LIFE; basically a game of dominoes

2009-11-18T14:50:00.002-05:00

I’m writing another post today because I have this urge that I have to. I love to write. And sometimes I just get these urges to write and write and write, and not stop. And I never have really figure out why. I think it is because I am a very curious (some people would call it nosey) person, and I am always thinking. But for me, thinking includes writing stuff down, and whether other people see it or not is entirely up to me. But I was reading my two posts that I have written in the past two days. And I noticed something; they are two dramatically different things. The topics, the way I viewed things, everything. Once was just very dark and talking about how the world is never going to change, and there is always going to be hurt and nothing can stop that, but the other was about love and how we all need to experience this, and how it’s wonderful and amazing. And it just made me think (of course). Why can/does the human brain see things differentially? Why can I go from one minute thinking about how the world is cold and hard and hurtful, to just gushing about love and all its beauty the next? How does that make sense really? I don’t think I will fully understand. And somehow I just know that if I knew why the brain would do this, it would ruin half of the inspiration. I wouldn’t have much to think about anymore if I knew everything that the human brain did, and why. And what fun would that be? Where would the excitement be? The adventure? The challenge? Well today after I posted my first post of the day I took a shower. And while I was in the shower I was thinking to myself this; “How can people go from talking about one topic, and end up at a completely different one, and then still somehow, they connect?” This is what I feel happens with a lot of my writing, a lot of things in my life, a lot of things that happen in the world. Think about a long phone conversation. You couldn’t sit and talk about your favorite pair of shoes for two hours with the person, but I’m sure that you can find things that connect to the shoes, and then the color, and how that color is like the color of your walls in your room, and how you want to re-do your room…and look!! Now you’re talking about what color your bedspreads are and what not? Like how does this happen? But I’m sure if you went back, you could trace the entire conversation back to your favorite pair of shoes. Everything is a dominoes affect. Everything in life. Thinking about one thing, makes you want to think of another to make that first thought make sense. I was fist thinking about hurt and how much I have had in my life, though in turn it makes me think about all of the things that I love in life…see how that just connected? Dominoes.

Love; just another lesson on how to be yourself.

2009-11-18T13:00:00.002-05:00

What is love? Well according to the song love is this;

L-the way you look at me
O-the only one I see
V- very very extraordinary
E- even more than anyone you adore

But to me this doesn’t seem to make sense to me. Because, yes, this could be love, but love isn’t always like this. It isn’t always, fluff and duff and happy. I mean seriously. How many people can say that they feel this way about their PARENTS? I mean I defiantly cannot. Usually the way my parents look at me is the “I need her to do something” or “turn down your music” look. That’s not a look I want to see from the “one”. J. Lookadoo said “Love doesn’t feel all mushy. Love isn’t sweaty palms and sleepless nights. Love is a decision you make to care for someone no matter how you feel. If they are disfigured in an accident or throwing up for hours on end, you will still love them.” I feel like this sums love up completely. Love isn’t something you “find”. Love is not a feeling. Love is something that you have to experience for yourself. But it’s not a feeling towards someone or something. It’s the “decision” that you make to never change about how you feel about it. No matter what happens. Whether they do something to upset you, or to hurt you, it still isn’t going to change how you feel. It is different for everyone, and everything. You can love your car, your pet, your significant other, your sister, your house.

There are a lot of different things that you can love, but everyone loves everyone and everything differently. When I first started dating my boyfriend everyone told me that we were going too fast, and that we should slow things down, and start out as friends. What I said to them was this “the way you think I should love, and they way I actually do, are two totally different things. You have to let me fail in order for me to understand how I truly want to love”. So far I haven’t failed. Because starting out as friends wasn’t how it was supposed to be. I have tried that, and failed, and now I know that, that is not that way that I love people. I like to jump right into things and see where they take me, and I am not afraid to get hurt. And isn’t that what love is all about? Trying new things, and having new experiences. Not being afraid to get your hands dirty, and whatever happens, happens, and because you are so in over your head, that you don’t see it. Everything is just “magical” so to speak. Don’t we all want that? I guess the bottom line here of what I am trying to say is, this; love is not something that you can duplicate. It is not “The Notebook” or “Pride and Prejudice”, it is something that you have to make up on your own. You are never going to have a fairytale “love”. Those kinds of movies and stories and ways of thinking are what I like to call “women porn”. It makes you think that this if this happens, you are going to be complete. But it never will complete you, you will always be left wanting more. Love is just another lesson on how to be yourself, and not have what other people do, or do not have.

Hurt; why is it so addicting?

2009-11-17T20:01:00.001-05:00

I have found recently that the emotion that I see the most is HURT. There are a lot of hurting people out there. I see it everyday with my friends. Someone said this, someone did this. This happened with so-and-so, those two are fighting. She misses him so much it hurts, he could just say one little thing and hurt her. Why is it that even just the littlest things hurt us the most? Take relationships. If you’re in high school, I’m sure that you hear about at least 10 or more break ups a month. Plus relationships that become. But every time two people get together, or two people break up, someone is always hurt no matter what. Whether they broke up because they were both mad or not, someone is always going to get hurt, like it or not. Sometimes the person getting hurt isn’t even a person directly affected by what is going on. If you just get a little to involved with other people’s business, *poof* there’s your recipe to get yourself hurt. I find myself in this situation more often than I would like. The profession I would like to pursue is psychology. So, naturally, I like to listen to other peoples problems. But the thing that I always end up doing is getting too into the problem itself, getting myself way too involved in the situation, when it has nothing to do with me whatsoever. And when the outcome of the problem occurs, I get myself hurt, even though it has nothing to do with me. So the question I have to ask myself is why? Why do we, myself included, always keep doing the things that we know are going to hurt us the most? How does this make sense? We see it happen in situations before, so why do we always go back to it? Why do we like the pain so much? It’s not like cutting where the physical pain makes you not think about the emotional pain, you’re causing the emotional pain. So why do we do this? Why do we like to make ourselves hurt? I don’t think that I will ever understand this as long as I live. Because right now I am still involved in too many things that have nothing to do with me. I think that I can make them better, but I can’t, they just hurt me. If we all just learned to stay out of each others business, then maybe we wouldn’t be hurting so much. If we only have to worry about us, and us only, doesn’t that make our lives so much easier? But, naturally, humans are curious creatures, so that will never happen. Therefore, there will always be hurting people. And breakups, and fighting, and affairs, and everything. The world won’t change.

We are a hurting people.
That is not going to change, it is our fault.
It’s time to face the facts.